Episode 17: How To Stop Shrinking, To keep Others Comfortable

How to Stop Shrinking to Keep Others Comfortable — Soulfully Aligned Podcast

Sis, this episode is for the woman who has spent far too long silencing her voice, dimming her light, and shrinking her power just to keep peace or make others comfortable. If you’ve ever felt yourself folding inward, doubting your worth, or apologizing for your brilliance — this one is going to speak straight to your spirit.

In this deeply personal and vulnerable conversation, I walk you through my own journey of shrinking — including the moment I was invited to speak on a radio station in another country and found myself questioning everything, even while God was opening doors in real time.

Together we’ll explore:

✨ Why so many women learn to shrink
 ✨ The emotional, spiritual, and physical cost of staying small
 ✨ How to recognize the moments where you disappear in rooms you were called to lead
 ✨ What it looks like to expand gently, courageously, and consistently
 ✨ How to live fully and unapologetically in your God-given voice

This episode is a reminder that:
 Your presence is sacred. Your voice carries weight. Your life is not an accident — and you were never meant to live small.

If you’re ready to stop shrinking, reclaim your space, and walk boldly into the fullness of who God created you to be, this episode will meet you exactly where you are.

💛 Let’s rise together, sis.
Press play.

“Welcome, sis. This booklet is here to guide you as you walk through the episode How to Stop Shrinking to Keep Others Comfortable. May these pages help you:  reclaim the space God created you to fill.”

 https://app.typeset.com/play/1JQZ1G 

Transcript

Maxine Bingham: 0:00

Hey ladies, and welcome back to soulfully Aligned. I am your host, Maxine Bingham, and I am so grateful that you decided to press, play, and spend this time with me. Every time you come here, you are making space for your own healing and your own peace. So go ahead and take a slow breath with me. Inhale and exhale. Let your shoulders drop. You've probably had a long day at work you probably can feel the tension. So go ahead, let those shoulders drop, let your soul begin to settle because today's conversation is one that's very personal, raw, and very true, and it is called how to stop shrinking to keep others comfortable. I want to start with a story, one that changed how I see myself and how I use my voice. A few years ago, a friend of mine invited me to stay with her in another country, and while I was there, she had gotten me a spot on a talk show. And it was my first time ever on air. It was a dream, something I always dreamed about doing, but never had the opportunity. Not only was it a dream, it was a divine assignment So there were two of us that were being interviewed that day the other woman that was there spoke the language fluently and I didn't. So my friend interpreted for me. At first, it went very beautifully. The host asked about my faith, my purpose, my journey, and I truly answered her from my heart. As I'm speaking to you now, I can still see myself in that studio. I can see the microphone, the bright lights, the air thick with a language that I didn't speak, and I can still feel it. That tiny inward fold. No one told me to be quiet, but something inside of me started to whisper. Maxine, stay small. And that's how shrinking begins. It's not always about someone silencing you. It's about you silencing yourself. But as the other guests began to speak fluently in the language. I began to feel so much smaller in that room and a whisper rose up inside of me and the question came up who am I to be here? What if they don't understand what I'm saying? Even though I know that I was sharing God's truth, I felt myself shrinking. And maybe you have also done this it could be at work. You were holding back an idea in a meeting, in a relationship where you're swallowing your truth or in family spaces where you are downplaying your blessings. So that no one around you feels left behind. We tend to walk into spaces that God has opened for us, and then what we do is we question whether we truly deserve to be there. Shrinking pretends to be humility, but it is really fear dressed up as politeness. That day I smiled through my doubt, trying to appear composed, but inside I began to disappear. The first step toward freedom is being able to name it. You can't release what you refuse to recognize, so I want you to pause right here with me, and I want you to ask yourself these questions. Where do I notice myself shrinking? Whose comfort am I protecting when I hide What part of me longs to be seen again? This episode is about recognizing that instinct to pull back It's the insidious, slow, deliberate, often subconscious act of making ourselves smaller. What we're doing today is unpacking why we do it, what it costs us, and how we can start to reclaim our space. This episode is a permission slip to stop managing everyone else's comfort and start inhabiting every single ounce of presence that you deserve. So let's get into it. In This first part, we are going to look at the cost of playing small. Let's start with an honest question. How many times this week have you shrunk? I am not talking about putting on your favorite pair of sweatpants, but I'm talking about the unconscious, subconscious ways that we hold back. Maybe it was in a meeting when a colleague made a casual, slightly sexist joke and you bit your tongue instead of speaking up because you just didn't want to rock the boat. Maybe it was when you received praise for a big win at work and you immediately deflected and said something like, oh, it was a team effort. Instead of just saying, thank you, I worked really hard on that project. Maybe it was in a negotiation where you took the first offer because asking for more felt too pushy. Or too demanding. We have all been there, and I want you to imagine carrying a heavy backpack at this moment This is what I'm going to be calling the invisible weight. Every time you silence yourself, every time you dim your joy, every time you say yes, when your heart is crying, no. Another rock gets dropped inside. At first, you don't really notice it because it's just one rock. You tell yourself, it's fine. This is just how I keep the peace. This is just how I survive. But over time, that backpack grows so heavy that you cannot even stand, and that's what shrinking does It doesn't protect you. It weighs you down. So let's go deeper. The cost of shrinking is not just emotional, it is also physical. Think about the last time you held back your truth. Did you feel your chest tighten? Did your stomach twist? Did your jaw clench? That is your body whispering. This is not who I am When I sat in that studio, I could feel it. My throat felt constricted. My palms became sweaty, and my breathing was shallow because my body knew I was betrayed myself before my mind did. When we chronically shrink, our nervous system lives in survival mode. Our stress hormones elevates anxiety will start humming like the noise in the background, fatigue cycles in because your body is exhausted from the performance of smallness. And over time it does not just tire you, it trains you to live as if you are a danger to your own potential After that radio interview. I went back to my friend's home where I was staying, and the very first thing I did was I turned to her husband and I asked him, what did you think of the interview? Did you think I did well? Because I needed reassurance. I needed validation because that is what shrinking does. It makes you doubt your own voice and look to others to confirm what God already said about you. I can remember I was sitting in the living room and I was still wearing the same clothes from the interview, and I kept replaying every moment in my mind. I should have been celebrating, but I wasn't. I wasn't relieved either. I was heavy, and it wasn't because anything bad had happened, but because I had held myself back I could feel it in my body, the tightness in my chest, the shallow breathing, the exhaustion that comes from performing small. And right after that show, the host invited me to a function she was attending the next day. And I thought about that as I sat in the living room and I accepted it, and I asked myself why. Why did I accept? But inside I felt unsure. When she asked, I was still questioning myself and my worth. Still fighting that quiet urge to shrink instead of being excited. Insecurity whispered. Did I say enough? Did I say too much? Did I sound unsure of my answers? Let's tell the truth. Shrinking does not protect relationships. It only erodes them. The people in your life cannot truly love you if they're only seen the smaller edited version of you shrinking does not guarantee that you are going to be loved, but it does guarantee self abandonment You may gain acceptance, but it's acceptance of a version of you that does not even exist, so you still feel lonely because no one has met the real you. Shrinking does not keep peace. It only steals your joy Authenticity for approval approval can never satisfy a soul that craves truth. And what I realized is I was asking God to affirm something. He had already affirmed the only question about my worth was me. Shrinking is actually a habit. We learn at a very early age. We are taught that being pleasant and agreeable and non-confrontational is a virtue, while there's value in collaboration and humility, there is a huge difference between being a team player and consistently diminishing your own value. I want you to think about the long-term cost. When you make yourself smaller, you send a signal to others, and more importantly to yourself that your ideas, your voice, and your contributions are less important. You might get a reputation as being easy to work with, but what you're really doing is creating a glass ceiling for your own potential. You are trading your power for comfort, and that is a terrible exchange rate. The most insidious part of shrinking is that it erodes our confidence from the inside out. Each time we hold back, we're chipping away at our own self-worth, and it becomes a vicious cycle. We shrink because we lack confidence. And we lack confidence because we have been shrinking. But here is the absolute truth. Marian Williamson in her poem, our deepest fear states the following. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people around you won't feel insecure.When you hide your brilliance. You are not helping anyone. You are only robbing the world of the light and innovation that you were meant to contribute. So sis, it's time for us to break that cycle. It is time to stop apologizing for your ambition, your intelligence, and your talent. In the second part, we are going to look at why we shrink. Let's get to the root of the matter. Why do we do it? Is it just a woman thing? It is more complex than that, but let's be honest. Societal expectation plays a huge role from a young age. Many of us are given a script to follow. Be a good girl. Be nice. Don't be loud. Don't walk in your authority. We are pressured into conforming to the comfort of the room rather than articulating our deepest individual needs. And as we enter the professional world, this conditioning collides with a competitive environment that often rewards behaviors, we have not been taught to avoid. We see our male counterparts speak with unshakeable confidence, and we wonder why does that feel so unnatural for me? We are not unnatural. We are simply operating from a different set of rules. It is also about imposter syndrome. We feel like a fraud. We subconsciously make ourselves smaller to avoid being found out. We think if I don't draw too much attention to myself, no one will realize I am not an expert. But the truth is everyone feels like a fraud at some times in their life. The key is how you handle it. Do you let that feeling paralyze you? Or do you push through it another huge factor is the fear of being perceived as difficult. This is where the shrinking mechanism kicks in. We know that the penalty for women who assert themselves is often disproportionately high. We have all seen what happens to women who are labeled as bossy, aggressive, or abrasive. We are told to be assertive, but not too assertive, confident, but not arrogant. It is an impossible tightrope for us to walk. So sometimes what we do is we choose the safest path, which is to retreat and minimize our impact. But I want us to challenge that fear, that label of difficult. Often simply means that you are prioritizing your value over someone else's convenience, and that is a powerful realization. The only way that you can dismantle that fear is to act in spite of it, practice accepting that some will be uncomfortable with your success and your certainty that discomfort is theirs to manage. remember, it is not yours. Here's the thing. You cannot, nor will you ever please everyone, and when you try to, you only end up pleasing no one least of all yourself. The goal is not to be universally liked The goal is for us to be respected and respect comes not from being agreeable. But from a place of authenticity, it comes from owning your unique perspective and refusing to apologize for it. In this third part, we're going To talk about how we stop shrinking and start shining once more. This is something That you have to practice on a daily basis. It's a conscious decision to change a deeply ingrained habit. Here are five daily practices that you can use. The first is the thank you period. Start with awareness. Notice when you do it the next time you're about to say something, Before a brilliant idea. I want you to catch yourself. The next time you're attempted to downplay a success, stop. Just say two words. Thank you. It's direct and it's a firm delivery. You don't need to add a qualifier to it. Don't minimize your achievement. This fundamental act. is An toward owning your own worth. The second is voice training, practice speaking up. It is a muscle that you have to build, but you can start small. In your next group email, be the one to respond with a concise, thoughtful point in your next team meeting. Make a goal to contribute at least one comment, even if it's just a question. The more you use your voice, the more natural it will feel. I want you to remember that your ideas have value and the world needs to hear them. Don't worry about being perfect. Worry about being present third. Reframe your thinking around discomfort. We often avoid making others uncomfortable by not challenging the status quo, but sometimes a little discomfort is necessary. For us to grow, both for you and for the system that you are challenging. Think of it not as making waves, but as clearing the path. When you challenge a flawed process, you are not being difficult. You are being a leader. When you ask for the raise you deserve, you are not being greedy. You are being a professional, and you are setting a standard The fourth nonverbal power moves. So let us Focus specifically on nonverbal shrinking. This is about your physical presence. Stop folding your hands in your lap, crossing your arms. Place materials openly on the table. Sit at the head of the table if that space is open. These small, powerful shifts in body language communicates authority and readiness. Before you even say a word, you are physically claiming your space. Number five, building your power circle. I want you to find your allies, look around your workplace for other women who are also trying to find their voice. And I want you to support each other publicly. When a woman in your meeting says something brilliant, go ahead and amplify her voice. You can say something like, that was a fantastic point that was just made. This creates a culture where being present is not only acceptable but encouraged. And you are building the environment that you wish to thrive in. Sometimes we don't realize how much shrinking cost until we stop doing it. it's like living with constant background noise. You don't know how loud it was until it goes silent when you start showing up fully. You suddenly notice how much energy you are wasting on hiding. So I want us to pause for a reflection. I want us to think back to this week, where did you shrink? Was it in a meeting, a conversation, a relationship? What did it cost you? Did you walk away feeling unseen? Did you carry attention in your body? Did you feel resentment for saying yes when you wanted to say no? If you are journaling, I want you to write this down. When did I silence myself this week and what did it cost me? This is not about guilt. It is about awareness because awareness. Is where your healing is going to begin. In part four, we are going to look at the ripple effect of radiance. Far we have talked about recognizing the cost of shrinking, understanding why we do it, and the daily practices we can use to stop. In this final segment, I want us to look outward. I want us to talk about the ripple effect of your radiance. When you choose to stop shrinking, you don't just empower yourself. You fundamentally change the environment around you. I want you to think about the woman coming up behind you. If you are the senior leader, the tenured professional. Or the woman who is simply brave enough to speak her mind in a room where others stay silent. You are defining what is possible for the next generation. Your willingness to walk in your authority grants silent permission to every woman who witnesses it. You become the evidence that professional power and authenticity are not mutually exclusive. This is not just about mentorship. It is about modeling. It is about showing up fully, even when it feels uncomfortable, when you confidently state your salary expectations, when you challenge a flawed decision or when you correct a speaker who interrupts you, you are creating a new norm. And this brings me back to the powerful wisdom of Marian Williamson. She articulates this concept better than anyone in her poem. Our deepest fear. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others, I am not saying any of this from some perfect place because even now I still catch myself brushing off compliments or minimizing what I've worked hard for. old habits will whisper. Don't appear too proud. But then I remember that woman sitting in that radio studio shrinking behind her own calling, and I say to myself, never again, because shrinking, is too expensive. It costs peace, confidence, health, and purpose. Every time you shrink, you'll teach yourself a lie that you're presence. Is not safe, that your truth is not welcome, that your voice is not valuable, and those are all lies straight from fear. Your presence is sacred, your truth is necessary, your voice is worthy. So ask yourself, moving forward, am I willing to keep paying this price? Or am I ready to choose something different? Because the next step, the one that we are about to take together, is the moment you stop shrinking. It is the moment you begin to expand, to step into your sacred space with tenderness and power. So I want us to take a moment right here. And breathe because this is a journey. It is not a race. You will not become an unapologetic powerhouse tomorrow morning, and that is just fine. The goal here is progress. It's not perfection. And I want you to leave today's episode with a fundamental, powerful thought. You are not supporting a character in your own life. You are the lead. It is your story to write your stage to own, and you have an absolute right to claim the presence. You need to tell your story and live your purpose. The world needs you. Your full brilliant self. The innovative ideas, the courageous leadership, and the empathetic wisdom that you've been holding back. So let's make a deal right here. This week, let's all commit to one moment where we consciously choose to be big instead of small, to choose authenticity over accommodation. Let's see what happens when we stop shrinking. I have a feeling that we are all about to get a lot more comfortable. Thank you for joining me, and until next time, please remember to shine on leave with this one thought your voice. Your ideas and your presence are not a bonus. They are essential, and the world needs the full unedited version of you. It is time to stop apologizing for your ambition and start living and walking in your power. Don't just be present. Own your ground. So before you transition to your next task make this commitment to yourself, take out your phone or grab a piece of paper and write down the phrase, I will not manage other people's comfort. Put that note somewhere where you'll see it every single day. This week could be on your laptop, in your wallet Or you could even tape it to the mirror where you'll see it when you wake up. And I want you to let that mantra be your daily reminder to stay true to yourself and claim your space Thank you so much for joining me. This is Soulfully aligned.