Episode 8: How To Say No Without Guilt And Still Be Loved

Saying no doesn’t make you unlovable.
 It makes you honest.
 This week on #SoulfullyAlignedPodcast, I’ll help you say no without guilt — and still be held in love.

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Transcript

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Welcome back to Soulfully Aligned. I am your host, Maxine Bingham, and in this next episode, we are going to look at how to say no without guilt and still be loved. Part one, the Long Road to pleasing. Go ahead, take a breath with me. I want us to go back. And I'm not just talking about back in time, but back into your story because the truth is you didn't just wake up one day and decided that you wanted to become a people pleaser. It didn't just happened. It was learned. It was conditioned, and for some of us it was also inherited. You became a yes woman because it helped you to survive. Maybe you were the eldest daughter. Maybe you were the emotionally intuitive one, the one that fixed everyone else's problem. Maybe you watched what happened to the woman who had needs, so you decide that you wouldn't be a burden, that you would be good, that you would just be the easy one. And you got really, really good at being agreeable. You became the one who was strong, the one whom everyone counted on, the one who could handle everything for everyone. But can we just pause right here? Did anyone ever ask how you were actually doing, or did, did they just keep handing you things to carry because you never said no. You were praised for being reliable, applauded for your strength, thanked for your generosity. But here's the question that nobody bothered to ask. How much of yourself have you buried to stay lovable? Let's be honest. You smiled when your soul was aching. You showed up when you were running on fumes. You gave beyond your capacity, not because you were okay, but because you were afraid of what would happen if you did not. Because somewhere along the way you got the message that love had conditions attached. That love could leave, that love required sacrifice, and not just any sacrifice. We're talking about your sacrifice. So you said yes over and over again until you forgot what your no even sounded like. And I just wanna tell you from one sister to another. You never had to earn love by disappearing. You never had to be everything just to feel like you were something. You never had to betray yourself in order to belong. The truth is you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to say, this is too much for me. You are allowed to disappoint others and still be deeply loved. And I know that's much easier said than done because for years and maybe for some of us, even decades, you've been rewarded for your silence, rewarded for your flexibility, rewarded for your ability to stretch. And even when it was breaking you and now, now it's costing you. It's costing you your energy. Your peace, your identity, and yes, your voice. So today I want to invite you back to yourself, and I want us to start right here. What did it cost you to become the one who was strong? What parts of you did you silence just to be liked, accepted, or needed? And what would happen if you decided to stop? I am not talking about stopping because you are angry, but because you are finally ready to be honest, you deserve to be held, not just when you are given. You deserve to be loved, not just when you are silent. You deserve to be honored even when you say no more. This is not the end of your story. This is your beginning. The beginning of your truth, the beginning of setting boundaries, the beginning of love that includes you. So my sisters welcome part two, the cost of Yes. So I want us to slow down for a moment because your yes, that thing you gave so freely, it has a cost. And I don't just mean your time, I'm not just talking about your calendar or your to-do list. I mean your peace, your breath, your body, your sleep, yourself. Even when you said yes, when you wanted to say no. It chipped away at something very sacred, and maybe you thought it was small. At first, it was one favor, one late night, one more thing added to your plate. But those yeses, they stacked. They accumulated, they started to whisper to your nervous system. You don't get to rest. You don't get to choose you. Let's be honest for a moment. How many times have you agreed to something while your voice inside was screaming? Please say no. Please. I need you to protect me. Please don't agree this time. But you said yes because you didn't want to disappoint because you didn't want to be seen as someone whom was difficult because you are afraid of what they would think of you, because it's just easier for you to go along with the flow. But just this once became a lifestyle for you and now years later. Your body is breaking down. Your joy feels like it has been muted. Your voice is quiet and your soul, your soul is tired and that tiredness my sister. That is not you being lazy. That is you grieving. It's grief for the parts of yourself that you have silenced grief for the time you've given away to people who didn't value it. Grief for the woman you were becoming before you started saying yes, out of guilt instead of love. And here is the truth. You may not want to face, but you need to hear. You can keep saying yes to everything and expect your spirit to thrive. Something will break and you know what? That's something will be. It will be you and you know you want to be kind, you know you want to help, you know you care deeply. But you cannot be the emergency contact for everyone else's chaos while ignoring your own. You can't be the one who shows up for everyone and still expect to have anything left for yourself. You can't pour from an empty vessel and you know that, but you have been trying to bring yourself dry for years. And you know what? It's not sustainable, not emotionally, not physically, not spiritually. So I want to invite you to look at your yes, from a new perspective. Is it the yes that feels like in your body? Is it a yes that you can carry without feeling resentful? Is it a yes that aligns with the woman that you are becoming? Because if it isn't. It is a no. Even if you haven't said it out loud, your body already has the tension in your shoulders, the pit, in your stomach, the side, even before you respond. That's your truth speaking, and maybe for the first time it's time for you to honor it. You are not a bad person for protecting your energy. And you are not mean for needing your space. You are not selfish for refusing to abandon yourself. You are wise. You are growing and you are awakening. And yes, they may not understand at first, they may even be surprised. They might even give you pushback, but you are not living for their comfort anymore. You are finally choosing peace. Over pleasing others. You are finally choosing alignment over their approval. You are finally choosing you. So today I want you to let your yes mean yes. Let your no mean no, let your truth take up space even if your voice trembles, even if they don't get it. Because you get it now. You see the cost, and you're no longer willing to pay with your health, your joy or your soul. So today I want you to say yes to you. Part three. The fear beneath the guilt, will they still love me? This is the part where it gets quiet inside. Because what we are really afraid of beneath all the guilt is this, if I stop giving, will they stop loving me? This just isn't just fear. This is lived experience. This is memory in the body. You learned somewhere somehow that your value was tied to your usefulness. Maybe it was the way you were only praised when you were helpful. Maybe it was how your boun boundaries were ignored. Maybe it was when someone you loved punished you with distance after you dared to speak up and speak your truth. And so over time you started to believe, if I say no, then love is going to disappear. If I speak up, then they're gonna walk away If I stop over, given. Then I am going to lose them. You see that belief doesn't just live in your head, it lives in your nervous system. It's in your chest. When you hesitate, it's in your stomach. When you finally say, I can't, it's in your breath. When you hit, send on a boundary and wait for the fallout. See, let's not pretend that any of this is easy. Let's not sugarcoat it with empowerment slogans. Sometimes when you say no, people do walk away because they were never there for the real you. They were there for the version of you who never said no. They were there for the convenience, the access, the role you played in their lives. But you know what? Love. Real love. Real love doesn't evaporate when you are no longer available, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Real love isn't threatened by your honesty. Real love doesn't require your silence. I want you to let those words settle for a moment. If someone only stays when you're performing people pleasing or self-sacrificing, they're not staying for your truth. They're staying for your utility. And I know, yeah, I know. Those words hurt. It hurts to realize that some people only love the version of you that said, yes, it hurts to say no and watch someone walk away, but my sister. That is not love leaving. That is illusion leaving. That is a transaction leave in that is codependency leaving and in that space, in that absence, something new begins to grow something true, gentler, something that feels like freedom. You begin to attract people who see your boundary as something that's beautiful, who honors your rest, who celebrate your know as a sign of your clarity, not you being cruel, but first you have to be brave enough to risk the in-between the space where love hasn't yet arrived, the silence that follows your truth. The ache that comes from finally choosing you. You may lose a few people, but you know who you'll find. You will find yourself. And isn't that more important than any reunion you can ever have? So today I want you to sit with this truth. You are lovable. Even when you say no, you are worthy. Even if no one claps you are enough. Even if they walk away. This is the healing. Not just saying no, but trusting that the right people will still be there when you do. And if they're not, let them go. Let your truth be your filter. Let your boundary be your blessing. Let your wholeness be the price of admission to your life. You don't need everyone. You just need the ones who can stay. When you're being completely honest, you as you are, nothing more, nothing less. Still loved part four, learning the language of boundaries, saying No with love. I want us to pause and take a breath right here, because now that we've peeled back the layers of guilt and fear, we come to the most sacred question of all. How do I say no and still remain soft? How do I speak my truth? Without becoming cold, how do I protect myself without feeling like I've built a wall? How do I draw a line with love? You see, for many of us, the only boundary we have ever seen modeled is a wall built in anger. A door that was slammed, a shut down, an interruption, an eruption. So now when we try to speak up, we swing between silence and explosion. But here's the truth, your nervous system needs to hear. Boundaries are not rejections. They are clarity. They are care. They are kindness. Boundaries. Say, this is where I end. And you begin. This is what I can offer and what I can't. This is how I love you without losing myself. Boundaries, protect love. They don't destroy it. And yes, it's gonna feel very awkward at first. You're gonna over explain, you'll even backpedal and you will feel guilty. But with practice, your no will become a compass, not a confrontation. So let's start right here. Soulful boundary praises for you to try. I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won't be able to commit to that. That's not something I have the capacity for at the moment. I'm honoring my rest, so I'll need to pass. That doesn't align with where I'm placing my energy at the moment. Thank you, but I'm choosing something different for myself in this season, and the most sacred of all. No full stop. No justification. You need to make your no pretty. You don't need a 15 minute backstory. You don't need to soften it with guilt. A no spoken from love and alignment is more powerful than any over explained apology. And here's what happens. When you start using this new language, your nervous system begins to recalibrate. It stopped flinching. Your body begins to trust you again. Your heart gets louder, your resentment will lower, your peace will increase because the more you honor your truth, the less you will need to explain yourself to anyone else. And if they're not used to the new you, if they flinch at your, no, you know what? That's okay because you are not being mean to them. You're being very clear. Clarity is love. Clarity is strength. Clarity is the softest revolution a woman can be. And I want you to say this again and I want you to repeat it to yourself. My know is not rejection. It's a sacred act of self-respect. And I can say it with love because you are learning a new language. The language of wholeness, of peace and of self-trust. And like any language, it will feel foreign at first, but with practice, it will feel like home. So I want you to take your time, practice it in the mirror, practice it with a friend, practice with yourself, and remember this, you don't need to wait until you're confident to start. You just need to be honest. Your no is your declaration. Your no is your reclamation, your no is your love letter to yourself. So go ahead and say it. Say it softly, clearly, and when you need to say it firmly, then I want you to breathe. Because you did something very sacred by honoring your no. Part five, when the room gets quiet, loving yourself, even no one else stays. Now we arrive at the part that no one ever prepares you for. And that's the silence. The quiet after the no has been spoken after the boundary has been set. After you choose yourself, maybe for the first time, silence the text messages. Yeah. They slow down the invitations. They're on pause. The energy shifts. And you can feel it. And if you're like so many of us, your first instinct might be to question everything. Did I go too far? Should I have said it differently? Am I being selfish? Are they upset with me? What if no one ever comes back? Let me tell you something tender and something very true. The silence that is not punishment. It's a clearing. It's a sacred space. It's the breath your soul has been begging for. You've been moving so fast, pouring so much giving and giving, and giving this quiet. This is God, removing the noise so you can hear your own voice. Again, it's not rejection, it's not realignment. Yes. It may feel lonely. Yes, you may grieve, yes, you might feel like an outsider in your own life for a little while, but what's really happening is this. You are being pulled out of relationships that required your silence to survive. You are being removed from rooms where your exhaustion was normalized. You are being placed back into your own care, back into your own arms. And that my love that is very holy. I know the stillness feels foreign because you're used to being busy. You're used to being needed. You are used to measuring your value by how much you give. But now, now you are learning how to be with yourself without performance. You were learning how to sit in the quiet and not panic. You are learning that your worth doesn't rise and fall with your availability. And here's the secret that no one ever talks about. After the quiet comes the clarity, you begin to see who really loved you and who loved the version of you that was always available, always agreeable, always shrinking. You've begin to feel your intuition again. That soft voice that says yes to this and no to that, and rest now and let go. You start to move differently with intention, with peace, with boundaries that are no longer burdens, but blessings. You realize you don't need the whole room, you just need your own presence. Steady, grounded, and loving. So if you're in the quiet right now. Let it be your teacher cry. If you need to scream into your pillar journal, walk, pray, breathe, but don't run back to what broke you just to feel company again. You are not alone. You are healing, you are waking up, you are finding your way back, finally. And when the people who truly love you return or when new ones arrive, you won't have to explain your boundaries. They'll honor them because they see you fully. And if no one comes, just know this. You are still enough. You were always enough, even in the quiet. Even when it's just you, even when the applause has stopped, you are still sacred and you are still home. Part six, coming home to yourself. I want us to take a moment. Let's exhale together. Because you have done so much work in this episode. You have looked at the guilt. You have named the fear. You have set the boundary, you have sat in the silence. And now, now we arrive at the most sacred part of all, and that's coming home to yourself, not the you who bends for love, not the you who over functions for approval, not the you who says yes, just to be invited back. The real you, the quiet you, the honest you, the soft, but sovereign, you, maybe she feels unfamiliar right now. Maybe you haven't seen her in a while. Maybe she disappeared somewhere between survival and sacrifice, but I promise you she is still here underneath the conditioning, underneath the exhaustion, beyond the people pleasing. She has been waiting, waiting for you to sit still long enough to notice her. Waiting for you to release the story that you only matter when you're useful, waiting for you to choose her again and again and again. This isn't about becoming anyone new. This is about remembering who you were before you believe. Loved love had to be earned before the burnout. Before the role you got stuck in, before you handed your worth to everyone but yourself. Coming home, it looks like saying no without ever having to apologize, resting without explaining, pausing, without feeling, guilt, breathing, and trusting. That's enough. Coming home means you stop chasing people who never saw you. You stop begging for crumbs. You stop editing yourself to be palatable. You begin to listen for your own voice again, the one that says, I matter. I deserve, I am worthy. Even now, even here, sis, you don't need to be fixed. Why? Because you're not broken. You are just burnt out from being someone you were never meant to be. So come home to your softness. Come home to your truth. Come home to the woman who no one longer sees boundaries as barriers, but as bridges back to peace, back to purpose, back to her. And when you come home, you'll find her standing at the door, not angry. Not ashamed. She is just waiting and she'll say, you didn't lose me. I've just been waiting for you to stop abandoning yourself. So let this be the moment that you decide. I will not betray myself anymore. I will not silence myself to be chosen. I will not carry what God never asked me to hold. I will come home to my breath. To my body, to my truth, to my know, to my joy, to my peace, and from this day forward, I will belong to myself first fully without apology and sacredly. So my sister, welcome back home. Now we are at the end of our podcast. We are gonna be looking at some closing reflections, affirmations. We're gonna summarize what we just learned. So take one last breath with me. I want you to inhale slowly. Hold it now. Release. Release all of it. Let your shoulders fall. Let your jaw UNC Unclench let your body know it is safe to be here with you in truth at home. You've walked a sacred road today. You showed up for the tender parts of yourself that usually stay quiet. The parts that say I am tired of always saying yes, I am afraid to let them down. I want to feel free again. I want to be loved and still keep myself. You came here with questions, maybe even with guilt, but you are leaving with something different. You are leaving with truth, with permission, with pause, and with power, you know? You now know that your no is not the end of love. It's only the beginning of real love. Love that doesn't require your exhaustion, love, that doesn't cost you your peace, love that includes you. So before you go, I want you to let me speak directly to the woman you were and the woman that you are becoming. Here are some soulful affirmations. I want you to speak it aloud or in your heart. I honor my no. I protect my peace. I speak with love and do not betray myself to be liked. I am worthy of love that does not require my silence. I no longer perform for belonging. I no longer shrink to be accepted. I no longer wait for someone else to choose me. I choose me again and again and again. I am already loved. I am already whole. I am already enough. I want you to let those words settle in your body. I want you to say them until they become your heartbeat. Thank you so much for joining me, and soulfully aligned, and I will see you next time. So my beautiful sisters. Until next time, I want say you're a doll. Protect your peace, choose your rest. Speak your truth with love, and never, ever forget you are already loved. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to overgive it. You don't have to disappear to keep it you just as you are. Are the most sacred thing in the room. Thank you again for joining. I.